chaseasteroid (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chaseasteroid) wrote2010-09-20 09:19 am
chaseasteroid) wrote2010-09-20 09:19 am
Entry tags:
[Star Trek] Under Construction (10/12)
Title: Under Construction (10/12)
Author:chaseasteroid (AKA ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
racheldeet)
Pairings: Chekov/Sulu
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It's not like everything goes back to normal as soon as you get back home. It's not like it even can.
Previously: Chapter One Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight, Chapter Nine
The halls of the Academy were filled with small, makeshift memorials, as if to make up for the lack of a unified one. Pavel felt detached as he passed each one, as if he had missed out by living off-campus. Notes, flowers, holos, among other things were strewn at each one, and at points he was unsure where one began and the next ended. Most were placed in front of doors that would remain empty for the rest of the semester, though others were spread in seemingly random places.
It made Pavel's heart heavy to see them, and he wondered how many wouldn't be remembered. Hovering outside of the door he sought, he said a prayer for all of them, and took a few deep breaths before he found his courage. He stepped forward, and buzzed the door.
There was a long moment of silence, and Pavel wondered if, perhaps, he had missed his chance, and Mr. Spock was not in his quarters. A single moment of panic, before the door opened for him with a soft woosh. Pavel stepped inside, hesitant.
"Can I help you, Mr. Chekov?" Spock asked. He had come to stand in the middle of the room, but the pile of PADDs on his desk indicated that he had been working.
Pavel clasped his hands behind his back as the door woodshed shut behind him. "I am sorry to interrupt, Commander," he began. He paused. Took a breath. Started, stopped. There was a small display on a tabletop in the corner, with a holo and a sunflower — he recognized Amanda Grayson even from across the room. "I --" He stopped again, and scuffed his foot into the carpet.
Now that the moment had come, he did not know what to say.
Mr. Spock folded his hands neatly behind his back, and listened, patiently, until the silence had stretched far too long. "Did your visit have a purpose?" he asked.
Pavel nodded. "I wished to -- to apologize, Mr. Spock. For whatever it is worth. I am sorry I could not save your mother." He scuffed his feet again, and looked at the floor.
There was a long, heavy silence. "Mr. Chekov," Spock said, at last, and Pavel's stomach clenched. "You should know that you were not responsible for her death. Your apology is...appreciated, but unnecessary."
Pavel's head snapped up. "Sir?"
"Mr. Chekov," Mr. Spock said, taking a step forward. "Nero killed my mother. You were the only person on the ship who could have performed such a maneuver to save her, and though you were unsuccessful, you performed to the best of your abilities. It would be illogical for you to be blamed."
Pavel could feel his heart clenching. Absolution. He was being offered absolution. "Thank you, Sir." He said. That was not enough, though. He tried to remember the proper words, in English, but they would not come. "I am sorry that you lost her," he said after a moment. It came out in a rush.
If it was possible, Mr. Spock looked surprised. "Your concern is appreciated," he said. "However, Mr. Chekov, I hesitate to point out that it is illogical to feel regret for the loss of someone you did not know."
Pavel nodded. "It is," he agreed. "But I do not think you would have fought Kirk for her if her loss had not been terrible. I am sure she was a wonderful woman."
A heavy silence hung, and Pavel wanted desperately to fill it. I lost my mother, I know your pain, do you dream about her voice, are you afraid of forgetting her?
"You lost your mother as well," Spock said, after a moment. Pavel's surprise must have shown on his face, because Spock added, "I have read your records, during the course of the Enterprise's investigation." There was a silence that Pavel would have described as awkward had it not involved Mr. Spock. "Thank you, Mr. Chekov. Your duty has been done."
Pavel wanted to say something more, but simply nodded before leaving, heart clenching in his chest. He made it almost all the way to the quad before leaning against the wall next to a memorial and sending a message to Hikaru.
The response was almost immediate. Come home.
A cold, drizzling rain had started while he was indoors, and fog was hovering over the bay, ready to roll over the land before long. Pavel didn't run home, though he wanted to, counting the steps it took before he was at the door, being wrapped, wet sweater and all, in a hug. Hikaru tugged him in from the rain, and held him at arm's length after a moment. "How'd it go?"
Pavel stared blankly at him, unsure whether Hikaru was serious or not, but was able to relax when Hikaru hugged him again. "Bad joke, sorry."
Pavel didn't have anything to say, so he leaned his head against Hikaru's neck and tried not to cry, instead.
"THAT bad?" Hikaru asked, rubbing his back and tugging Pavel away from the door.
"Have you been? There are..." He had to search for the right word. "Shrines? For the dead, in the halls."
Hikaru rubbed at the back of Pavel's neck. "Someone you knew?"
"All of them were known by someone, 'Karu. How many only knew other people who died? They'll be forgotten." His breath hitched.
Hikaru did his best to soothe, with firm hands and a tiny kiss near his ear. "They won't be. Even if no one else thinks of them, you have."
At the thought of that kind of responsibility, Pavel finally cried.
* * *
Hikaru pulled them to sit on the sofa, and offered what he could. He did what he figured was the smart thing, and shut up, letting his touches speak for him. Pavel let loose big, gasping sobs, and clung to Hikaru like he was the only thing keeping Pavel grounded.
Pavel stopped before he hyperventilated, thankfully, but it was a close call. Hikaru didn't let go, afraid of giving mixed signals, until Pavel pulled away. His eyes were red and raw, and he pecked Hikaru on the cheek after a long moment. "Thank you. I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for, I keep telling you." He pulled Pavel to lean against him. "You did the right thing, I'm sure of it."
Pavel shrugged like he didn't have anything to say. "He forgave me. But Hikaru, it makes me think." He wibbled, like it was the last thing he wanted in the entire world, and Hikaru stroked his cheek.
"Tell me what you're thinking," he begged.
Pavel shrugged and rubbed at his eyes. "We say we're safer here, but we're not. All those Vulcans were on-planet, or what if he had done the same to earth? We're never safe at all."
Hikaru kissed Pavel's forehead because he had no good response. "We're not," he admitted, knowing better than to lie to anyone upset. "Pavel, we're not safe. That's why we have to just do our best with what we have, in case it's over soon."
Pavel's grip tightened in Hikaru's shirt. "I've done so much wrong."
He shushed Pavel gently. "Don't think like that, Pavel. You've done your best, that's all anyone can ask for."
Pavel leaned against Hikaru's breastbone, and Hikaru took that as a cue to shut up. He rubbed Pavel's back, trying to understand what he was seeing. He was surprised when Pavel tugged on his shirt, and started to move away. "Come on, 'Karu."
Hikaru followed, though he remained unsure. In their shared room, Pavel kissed Hikaru, tears on his cheeks. Then he tugged on Hikaru's shirt, trying to pull it off, and choked on another sob.
Hikaru grabbed for Pavel's hands, and kissed his cheeks. "What are you doing?"
"Making things right," Pavel said softly. "'Karu, please."
Hikaru shook his head, kissed Pavel again, gentle and intimate without pushing furthur. He wasn't going to do this to Pavel, even if he wanted it; he wasn't that type of person. "Don't make decisions when you're upset, Pavel. Come on, we'll take care of you and then talk about it."
Pavel shook his head. "'Karu, please."
"No." Hikaru wrapped Pavel into his arms again, terrified that they were going to make a mistake. "We'll have time, Pavel. When we're both ready and not trying to force it." It would have been a great approach, he had to admit, if Pavel wasn't on the verge of a panic attack. "Breathe."
It took Pavel a long time to finally stop, though he still shook once he had. He resisted any kind of pressure to move away from Hikaru, and Hikaru gave up trying quickly. He was content to hold his Pavel anyway, and even as he thought it, he marveled at how right the pronoun seemed. His. Hikaru wasn't usually the possessive type, but he could certainly make exceptions.
Finally, Pavel pulled away, and went to scrub his face in the bathroom. Hikaru hovered a moment before going downstairs once more. He made tea the way his father always had, and forced Pavel to drink it when he came down. "It'll make you feel better."
Pavel turned his nose up at it, but ended up drinking it anyway. Some of the tension in his neck released, even if he cringed at the taste. Hikaru kissed him on the cheek before he'd drained it all. "Don't move, I'll be right back. I want to show you something."
What he wanted was right where he had left it, hidden between a pair of books in the living room. Hikaru had forgotten about it almost entirely until Pavel mentioned failing, and now he fretted over neglecting it. He brought it to the kitchen, and set it in front of Pavel. "I started it when I was a lot younger. It's a catalogue of everything I've failed at, so I'll learn my lesson." He blushed as he spoke, still ashamed of some of the things recorded there. "I was a perfectionist."
Like father, like son.
Most of what was in the book was minor, he knew. The older he got, though, the bigger some of the failures had become, and he made sure to remember them all. Pavel flicked through, eyes widening at some, but didn't comment for a long time. When he did, it wasn't what Hikaru had expected. "Why are you showing me this?"
"You said you've made mistakes," Hikaru said, leaning in so that their heads almost touched. "I have too. The best I think I've found to do is try not to make them again. Regretting doesn't fix anything."
Pavel crossed the gap so their foreheads touched. "And if I want to do more?"
Hikaru shook his head. "You've done what you can; you've said you're sorry." He thought about apologizing to Pavel for what had happened with Andrei. "Sometimes all people want is for someone to take the blame."
Pavel kissed him on the lips, though it was still chaste. "I hope you're right."
Hikaru grinned. "Ready for the good news?"
"Hm?"
"Kirk got the Enterprise today. I think you owe me a drink."
Chapter Eleven
Master List
Author:
chaseasteroid (AKA racheldeet)Pairings: Chekov/Sulu
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It's not like everything goes back to normal as soon as you get back home. It's not like it even can.
Previously: Chapter One Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight, Chapter Nine
The halls of the Academy were filled with small, makeshift memorials, as if to make up for the lack of a unified one. Pavel felt detached as he passed each one, as if he had missed out by living off-campus. Notes, flowers, holos, among other things were strewn at each one, and at points he was unsure where one began and the next ended. Most were placed in front of doors that would remain empty for the rest of the semester, though others were spread in seemingly random places.
It made Pavel's heart heavy to see them, and he wondered how many wouldn't be remembered. Hovering outside of the door he sought, he said a prayer for all of them, and took a few deep breaths before he found his courage. He stepped forward, and buzzed the door.
There was a long moment of silence, and Pavel wondered if, perhaps, he had missed his chance, and Mr. Spock was not in his quarters. A single moment of panic, before the door opened for him with a soft woosh. Pavel stepped inside, hesitant.
"Can I help you, Mr. Chekov?" Spock asked. He had come to stand in the middle of the room, but the pile of PADDs on his desk indicated that he had been working.
Pavel clasped his hands behind his back as the door woodshed shut behind him. "I am sorry to interrupt, Commander," he began. He paused. Took a breath. Started, stopped. There was a small display on a tabletop in the corner, with a holo and a sunflower — he recognized Amanda Grayson even from across the room. "I --" He stopped again, and scuffed his foot into the carpet.
Now that the moment had come, he did not know what to say.
Mr. Spock folded his hands neatly behind his back, and listened, patiently, until the silence had stretched far too long. "Did your visit have a purpose?" he asked.
Pavel nodded. "I wished to -- to apologize, Mr. Spock. For whatever it is worth. I am sorry I could not save your mother." He scuffed his feet again, and looked at the floor.
There was a long, heavy silence. "Mr. Chekov," Spock said, at last, and Pavel's stomach clenched. "You should know that you were not responsible for her death. Your apology is...appreciated, but unnecessary."
Pavel's head snapped up. "Sir?"
"Mr. Chekov," Mr. Spock said, taking a step forward. "Nero killed my mother. You were the only person on the ship who could have performed such a maneuver to save her, and though you were unsuccessful, you performed to the best of your abilities. It would be illogical for you to be blamed."
Pavel could feel his heart clenching. Absolution. He was being offered absolution. "Thank you, Sir." He said. That was not enough, though. He tried to remember the proper words, in English, but they would not come. "I am sorry that you lost her," he said after a moment. It came out in a rush.
If it was possible, Mr. Spock looked surprised. "Your concern is appreciated," he said. "However, Mr. Chekov, I hesitate to point out that it is illogical to feel regret for the loss of someone you did not know."
Pavel nodded. "It is," he agreed. "But I do not think you would have fought Kirk for her if her loss had not been terrible. I am sure she was a wonderful woman."
A heavy silence hung, and Pavel wanted desperately to fill it. I lost my mother, I know your pain, do you dream about her voice, are you afraid of forgetting her?
"You lost your mother as well," Spock said, after a moment. Pavel's surprise must have shown on his face, because Spock added, "I have read your records, during the course of the Enterprise's investigation." There was a silence that Pavel would have described as awkward had it not involved Mr. Spock. "Thank you, Mr. Chekov. Your duty has been done."
Pavel wanted to say something more, but simply nodded before leaving, heart clenching in his chest. He made it almost all the way to the quad before leaning against the wall next to a memorial and sending a message to Hikaru.
The response was almost immediate. Come home.
A cold, drizzling rain had started while he was indoors, and fog was hovering over the bay, ready to roll over the land before long. Pavel didn't run home, though he wanted to, counting the steps it took before he was at the door, being wrapped, wet sweater and all, in a hug. Hikaru tugged him in from the rain, and held him at arm's length after a moment. "How'd it go?"
Pavel stared blankly at him, unsure whether Hikaru was serious or not, but was able to relax when Hikaru hugged him again. "Bad joke, sorry."
Pavel didn't have anything to say, so he leaned his head against Hikaru's neck and tried not to cry, instead.
"THAT bad?" Hikaru asked, rubbing his back and tugging Pavel away from the door.
"Have you been? There are..." He had to search for the right word. "Shrines? For the dead, in the halls."
Hikaru rubbed at the back of Pavel's neck. "Someone you knew?"
"All of them were known by someone, 'Karu. How many only knew other people who died? They'll be forgotten." His breath hitched.
Hikaru did his best to soothe, with firm hands and a tiny kiss near his ear. "They won't be. Even if no one else thinks of them, you have."
At the thought of that kind of responsibility, Pavel finally cried.
Hikaru pulled them to sit on the sofa, and offered what he could. He did what he figured was the smart thing, and shut up, letting his touches speak for him. Pavel let loose big, gasping sobs, and clung to Hikaru like he was the only thing keeping Pavel grounded.
Pavel stopped before he hyperventilated, thankfully, but it was a close call. Hikaru didn't let go, afraid of giving mixed signals, until Pavel pulled away. His eyes were red and raw, and he pecked Hikaru on the cheek after a long moment. "Thank you. I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for, I keep telling you." He pulled Pavel to lean against him. "You did the right thing, I'm sure of it."
Pavel shrugged like he didn't have anything to say. "He forgave me. But Hikaru, it makes me think." He wibbled, like it was the last thing he wanted in the entire world, and Hikaru stroked his cheek.
"Tell me what you're thinking," he begged.
Pavel shrugged and rubbed at his eyes. "We say we're safer here, but we're not. All those Vulcans were on-planet, or what if he had done the same to earth? We're never safe at all."
Hikaru kissed Pavel's forehead because he had no good response. "We're not," he admitted, knowing better than to lie to anyone upset. "Pavel, we're not safe. That's why we have to just do our best with what we have, in case it's over soon."
Pavel's grip tightened in Hikaru's shirt. "I've done so much wrong."
He shushed Pavel gently. "Don't think like that, Pavel. You've done your best, that's all anyone can ask for."
Pavel leaned against Hikaru's breastbone, and Hikaru took that as a cue to shut up. He rubbed Pavel's back, trying to understand what he was seeing. He was surprised when Pavel tugged on his shirt, and started to move away. "Come on, 'Karu."
Hikaru followed, though he remained unsure. In their shared room, Pavel kissed Hikaru, tears on his cheeks. Then he tugged on Hikaru's shirt, trying to pull it off, and choked on another sob.
Hikaru grabbed for Pavel's hands, and kissed his cheeks. "What are you doing?"
"Making things right," Pavel said softly. "'Karu, please."
Hikaru shook his head, kissed Pavel again, gentle and intimate without pushing furthur. He wasn't going to do this to Pavel, even if he wanted it; he wasn't that type of person. "Don't make decisions when you're upset, Pavel. Come on, we'll take care of you and then talk about it."
Pavel shook his head. "'Karu, please."
"No." Hikaru wrapped Pavel into his arms again, terrified that they were going to make a mistake. "We'll have time, Pavel. When we're both ready and not trying to force it." It would have been a great approach, he had to admit, if Pavel wasn't on the verge of a panic attack. "Breathe."
It took Pavel a long time to finally stop, though he still shook once he had. He resisted any kind of pressure to move away from Hikaru, and Hikaru gave up trying quickly. He was content to hold his Pavel anyway, and even as he thought it, he marveled at how right the pronoun seemed. His. Hikaru wasn't usually the possessive type, but he could certainly make exceptions.
Finally, Pavel pulled away, and went to scrub his face in the bathroom. Hikaru hovered a moment before going downstairs once more. He made tea the way his father always had, and forced Pavel to drink it when he came down. "It'll make you feel better."
Pavel turned his nose up at it, but ended up drinking it anyway. Some of the tension in his neck released, even if he cringed at the taste. Hikaru kissed him on the cheek before he'd drained it all. "Don't move, I'll be right back. I want to show you something."
What he wanted was right where he had left it, hidden between a pair of books in the living room. Hikaru had forgotten about it almost entirely until Pavel mentioned failing, and now he fretted over neglecting it. He brought it to the kitchen, and set it in front of Pavel. "I started it when I was a lot younger. It's a catalogue of everything I've failed at, so I'll learn my lesson." He blushed as he spoke, still ashamed of some of the things recorded there. "I was a perfectionist."
Like father, like son.
Most of what was in the book was minor, he knew. The older he got, though, the bigger some of the failures had become, and he made sure to remember them all. Pavel flicked through, eyes widening at some, but didn't comment for a long time. When he did, it wasn't what Hikaru had expected. "Why are you showing me this?"
"You said you've made mistakes," Hikaru said, leaning in so that their heads almost touched. "I have too. The best I think I've found to do is try not to make them again. Regretting doesn't fix anything."
Pavel crossed the gap so their foreheads touched. "And if I want to do more?"
Hikaru shook his head. "You've done what you can; you've said you're sorry." He thought about apologizing to Pavel for what had happened with Andrei. "Sometimes all people want is for someone to take the blame."
Pavel kissed him on the lips, though it was still chaste. "I hope you're right."
Hikaru grinned. "Ready for the good news?"
"Hm?"
"Kirk got the Enterprise today. I think you owe me a drink."
Chapter Eleven
Master List